There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
