Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
