He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
