I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
How does one acquire holy water?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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