there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
