nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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