There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
