so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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