the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
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It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
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Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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