So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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