The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
