I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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