3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Randomize
