Umm I'm too high to move.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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