I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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