Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Alive.
So much puke
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
