I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
