just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
she smelled like a LAN party
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
