I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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