I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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