ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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