My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
