I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
