Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
