I think I died a long time ago.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
