How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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