His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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