Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
