I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
