well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
