I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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