I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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