if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
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Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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