Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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