I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
