I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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