Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
