get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
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I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
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This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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