You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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