There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I can't turn off my feet"
Someone came in the potted fern
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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