I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
