Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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