i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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