According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
