This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
