Don't make out with my wife yet
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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