I met the friendliest cop last night
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
