I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
