Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
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