He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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