I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
We have started to decorate penises.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
