if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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