u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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