I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
