Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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