i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
